Perfect Love?
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Co-dependency has become one of those buzz words similar to authenticity. It’s not easy to define in my opinion because it plays out differently in each individual. The most basic definition is that codependency is the need to be needed. Here are a few other definitions I found:
Excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically one who requires support on account of an illness or addiction. (Oxford Dictionary)
A behavioral condition in a relationship where one person enables another person’s addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement. Among the core characteristics of codependency is an excessive reliance on other people for approval and a sense of identity. (Wikipedia)
As a parent of adult children I still find myself in a battle with codependency. And as with all mothers my children are my heart. It’s such a bittersweet role to carry a child in pregnancy, love without condition, nurture, teach, provide for, and pour your heart into for the purpose of preparing them to leave the nest. Nevertheless it’s a role I wouldn’t change for all the tea in China.
Speaking from personal experience, I struggle between knowing we raise our kids to become self sufficient contributing adults, and the fear that they won’t return to the nest. I don’t mean a literal return but a maintaining of the relationship. This process requires parents to endure the evolution of the relationship which includes distance while they learn to fly, and watching them make mistakes that could have life long consequences. That dance of two steps forward three steps back. It is our job to allow our kids to grow and strengthen their wings. The alternatives are to clutch onto them so tightly and selfishly that they are unable to leave the nest, or at least do so somewhat handicapped. They then go through life with a greater challenge than what should be.
I want more than anything to send my children out of the nest as strong and healthy as they can be. As I write this I have to ask myself, do I really want it more than anything? Is that desire greater than my fear? Perfect love casts out fear. Although my love is far from perfect or I wouldn’t be writing this, God’s love in me makes my love perfect. My human love is somewhat selfish. Thankfully part of the transformation in becoming a new creation in Christ is that his presence and perfection covers my imperfections. My weakness points to His strength and removes the burden from my back. His yoke is easy and his burden is light. He removes my burden when I finally come seeking his answers over mine, and he invites me to rest. He loves my babies even though grown more than I do. If I truly want them strong and able then I will step out of the way. I will lay the burden of well meaning control and manipulation down and rest, knowing Jesus is their Source, just like he is mine. He is faithful and through all the ups and downs, twists and turns of life He is working and orchestrating behind the scenes of this physical realm.
No matter what He is faithful. He is the one and only sure foundation that is unaffected and unchanging. I choose to build my “house” on this sure Foundation. Storms have and will continue to come in this life. Some I’ll weather better than others, but what I will always come back to, is my faithful, sovereign, Strongtower...my Father God. When my kids fail, and they will and they have, He will be there working for their good. He will redeem their pain and their mistakes just like he does mine. They are allowed to fail and fall. They will get back up and learn and become more compassionate, considerate, beautiful adults. They deserve to leave their unique mark on this world without my interference. I can do that knowing Jesus walks beside them.
